Beginnings and Endings

I feel like my life right now is full of new beginnings and hard endings. The endings are raw and emotional right now. Camp was my life for many years, I spent all of July there since I graduated high school (5 years). I poured my heart and soul into senior girls as a cabin leader and program director. I loved the atmosphere and the challenge both of those roles brought. I dreamed one day of directing senior girls but now that dream seems so far away, or gone. The people who I looked up to and were supposed to be there and mentor me, see if I am ok and work through the hard things failed me this year. Yes they have busy lives but does that excuse the total neglect? I will still be a cabin leader and put my all into it but at a different camp this summer. Plunge will be one of my new beginnings. It is scary but at least my girls and I will be together. I hope someday to find some healing in it all.

Another ending is bible study I no longer feel welcome or worthy to be there. Every time I am there I feel like a bad person for the decisions I make. Someone close to me today said that if someone continues to live in sinful choices they might not go to heaven. Another "friend" said it doesn't matter what non-christians do, insinuating that they are going to hell anyways so it doesn't matter. How can I be apart of something like this? I feel like I am back at the end of May last year struggling with how can these amazing people I just spent a month with be condemned to hell? Where is the grace? the compassion? the redemption? Why should I even bother now? Every time i think about it i feel like my heart is being ripped out of my chest and smashed by those who are supposed to care and love me. Who are supposed to be the light in the world and spread the message, really?

But I do need to look at some of the new beginnings even going back to the girls I went traveling with and the people I met through them. Or my friends from work which are so fun to hang out with. I realize that the things I told myself after high school are not true. I am not unlovable, my friends wont turn on me and I can make new friends... Also my super supportive boyfriend. I don't know how I would have gotten through the past few weeks without him. I pulled some stuff that would me even a friend run and hide and he stuck by me through the ugliness.

Life just feels utterly overwhelming right now with conflicting events and emotions. Give me some stability!