What to do?

I signed up for this amazing opportunity, paid the money and now I don't want to go. I am dreading time passing until I have to go. I can't back out too much rides on it, but I feel sad and overwhelmed every time I think about it. Overwhelmed because of how much work I am going to have to do. I don't know why I am scared of it, I have climbed higher and more challenging mountains than this but I seem to have no motivation left. These days I feel like a walking ghost, I go through the motions but don't really pay attention. It's lucky I don't have much riding on my motivation right now otherwise I would be in trouble.

I guess when I signed up to go I thought it would be like last time. That is one of my greatest faults in life believing when I do something similar to something I have done before that it will be as fun, or similar to the time before and it never is. Or maybe the expectations I put on it are too high. I need to get last time out of my head!

I love to travel don't get my wrong. I've done lots, but I've never really been honest with myself about it, I am a home body. When I go away I crave to be home a lot more than I would like to admit. I love the idea of getting out and seeing the world but when I am doing it I often want to go home. I think I will have my attention back home much more this time than before as well. It's funny a friend said to me about going on a similar program "well i don't want to plan so far ahead incase I have a boyfriend or something". I thought to myself "your nuts, why would you put your life on hold like that for a guy, get out and experience thing, plus if he's a good guy he'll be there when you get back." Well that thought has now bitten me in the butt! Not that I think he wont wait for me, I know he will, but I don't want to be away from him for so long. I am going to miss him more than I can articulate. I know I have my whole life ahead of me to spend with him but short term it hurts to think of being away.

I am also worried about my mom that she will be alone and hurting with out me. I guess that is a little arrogant on my part but I am worried what will happen to my family while I am away. I guess in the end the question is not what to do but how to cope or deal with it....